How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will

HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Chapter One

Dealing with Feelings

The head of the guidance department greeted me at the door and ushered me into a classroom where roughly twenty parents sat waiting.

I introduced myself, congratulated them all for braving the bad weather, and distributed name tags for everyone to fill out. As they wrote and chatted with one another, I had a chance to study the group. It was diverse -- almost as many men as women, different ethnic backgrounds, some couples, some alone, some in professional attire, some in jeans.

When everyone seemed ready, I asked people to introduce themselves and tell us a little about their children.

There was no hesitation. One after the other, parents described kids who ranged in age from twelve to sixteen. Almost everyone commented on the difficulty of coping with teenagers in today's world. Still, it seemed to me people were being guarded, holding back, making sure they didn't disclose too much too soon to a room full of strangers.

"Before we go any further," I said, "I want to assure you that anything we discuss here will be confidential. Whatever is said within these four walls remains here. It's no one else's business whose kid is smoking, drinking, playing hooky, or having sex a lot earlier than we'd wish. Can we all agree to that?"

Heads nodded in assent.

"I see us as partners in an exciting venture," I went on. "My job will be to present methods of communication that can lead to more satisfying relationships between parents and teenagers. Your job will be to test these methods -- to put them into action in your home and report back to the group. What was or wasn't helpful? What did or didn't work? By joining forces, we'll determine the most effective ways to help our kids make that tough transition from childhood to adulthood."

I paused here for the group's reaction. "Why does it have to be a 'tough transition'?" a father protested. "I don't remember having such a hard time when I was a teenager. And I don't remember giving my parents a hard time."

"That's because you were an easy kid," said his wife, grinning and patting his arm.

"Yeah, well maybe it was easier to be 'easy' when we were teenagers," another man commented. "There's stuff going on today that was unheard of back then."

"Suppose we all go back to 'back then'," I said. "I think there are things we can learn from our own adolescence that might give us some insight into what our kids are experiencing today. Let's start by trying to remember what was best about that time in our lives."

Michael, the man who had been the "easy kid," spoke first. "The best part for me was sports and hanging out with friends."

Someone else said, "For me it was the freedom to come and go. Getting on a subway by myself. Going to the city. Getting on a bus and going to the beach. Total fun!"

Others chimed in. "Being allowed to wear high heels and makeup and that whole excitement over boys. Me and my girlfriends would have a crush on the same guy, and it was, 'Do you think he likes me or do you think he likes you?'"

"Life was so easy then. I could sleep till noon on weekends. No worries about getting a job, paying the rent, supporting a family. And no worries about tomorrow. I knew I could always count on my parents."

"For me it was a time to explore who I was and experiment with different identities and dream about the future. I was free to fantasize, but I also had the safety of my family."

One woman shook her head. "For me," she said ruefully, "the best part of adolescence was growing out of it."

I looked at her name tag. "Karen," I said, "it sounds as if that wasn't the greatest time in your life."

"Actually," she said, "it was a relief to be done with it."

"Done with what?" someone asked.

Karen shrugged before answering. "Done with worrying about being accepted...and trying too hard...and smiling too hard so people would like me...and never really fitting in...always feeling like an outsider."

Others quickly built upon her theme, including some who only moments before had spoken glowingly of their teen years:

"I can relate to that. I remember feeling so awkward and insecure. I was overweight back then and hated the way I looked."

"I know I mentioned my excitement over boys, but the truth is, it was more like an obsession -- liking them, breaking up with them, losing friends because of them. Boys were all I ever thought about, and my grades showed it. I almost didn't graduate."

"My problem in those days was the pressure I was under from the other guys to do stuff I knew was wrong or dangerous. I did a lot of stupid things."

"I remember always feeling confused. Who am I? What are my likes? My dislikes? Am I true or am I a copycat? Can I be my own person and still be accepted?"

I liked this group. I appreciated their honesty. "Tell me," I asked, "during those roller-coaster years, was there anything your parents said or did that was helpful to you?"

People searched their memories.

"My parents never yelled at me in front of my friends. If I did something wrong, like coming home really late, and my friends were with me, my parents waited until they were gone. Then they'd let me have it."

"My father used to say things to me like, 'Jim, you have to stand up for your beliefs...When in doubt, consult your conscience...Never be afraid to be wrong or you'll never be right.' I used to think, 'There he goes again,' but sometimes I really did hang on to his words."